Protecting a Secret
by caligrl1o1
Summary: Hermione Granger seems to be perfect and have everything under control, or does she? With pressure coming from every angle to be perfect push her to the edge, will she fall into anorexia and bulimia? WARNING: eating disorder, and some smut later on ;
1. Magic Can Only Get You So Far

***Hey y'all! I hope that you like my story, and this is my first Fanfic that is Harry Potter, so please let me know if you think I am changing the characters to much! So here it is:

Preface:

Hermione -

Nothing is ever enough. No matter what I do, everyone always expects more of me. It started out in primary school, because my parents are dentists, they always wanted perfection from me. While everyone else was just learning how to write, I was reading entire books. I never wanted to be known as the smart one... I just wanted to have fun, but then at Hogwarts, I was hoping things would be different, that I would have an actual childhood. But at the end of first year, I knew that I would never get that. Each summer, more like as soon as I got off of the train my mother would make some sort of comment, and it was never good. Every year it usually pertained to my weight... At first I only said hat I couldn't help it, I mean for every meal I ate a thousand calories! Bye the summer between third and forth year, I was on a diet. It started off innocently enough, one dessert per day, only seconds on things, not thirds and fourths... I wanted attention, I mean, all anyone noticed me for was my bushy hair and my being slightly a smart ass... I just wasn't loosing what I wanted, no one noticed... I wasn't perfect...

One Week Before Leaving for Hogwarts:

"Hermione! Your dad and I are going to leave now," mum called up.

"Okay mum! Bye!" I called down. After hearing the garage door close, I jumped up and walked over to my bathroom mirror. Striping down to my underwear, I analyzed my body, poking and prodding at the nonexistent fat. Seeing no change over the last few months, a let out a loud sigh.

"Guess I better work harder..." I said to no one. When putting on my neon colored athletic shorts, I had to role the stretchy part over, because they where to small. Finally lacing up my trainers I grabbed my iPod and made my way down the carpeted stairs. Looking around the room, I realized that this wasn't my home. Walking around the living room, I traced over the muggle pictures with my finger tips, almost trying to grasp the memories. I looked so happy, well I was happy... But it seems now that I am never happy... Well, I guess the only thing that really does make me happy is when I'm hungry...

Finally seeing a picture of me getting on the train to Hogwarts, I realized that this "walk down memory lane" was doing more harm then good, and I was waisting time. Locking the house door behind me, I put in my headphones and began my seven mile run

_Today I'm gonna write a sad song_

_Gonna make it really long_

_So that everyone can see_

_That I'm very unhappy_

I really am never happy. When I get a good mark in school, or I finish a book, or I lose another pound, I get a glimpse of that former joy, but it never really comes back. I have tried all of the spells to make me happy, but they just mask what I feel... It is never good enough... Why isn't it enough? Don't I have every right to be sad? No matter what I do, no matter how much weight I lose, no matter how many house points I earn, it just isn't good enough. But if I don't mask this side of me, I would loose everything... I can't loose my only two friends...

_I wish I wasn't always wrong_

_I wish it wasn't always my fault_

_The finger that your pointing has knocked me on my knees_

_And all you need to know is I'm so sorry_

_It's not like me_

_It's maturity that I'm lacking_

_So don't, don't let me go_

_Just let me know that growing up goes slow._

_I wonder what my mom and dad would say_

_If I told them that I cry each day_

_It's hard enough to live so far away_

I'm always homesick, but I don't really have a home... My parents house isn't my home, its theres... When I'm at Hogwarts, I miss being at my parents house. I never complain about this, or much less tell anyone that I miss home... Look at Harry! His home is where he is abused by his family, and I know that I should feel guilty about this, but when he is at Hogwarts he is treated like a god. It sounds terrible... I know it does, but I just can't help it... At first I only became his friends because I had a crush on him... But now he is like my big brother... But Ron, well he is a different story...

_I wish I wasn't always cold_

_I wish it wasn't always alone_

_When the party is over how will I get home?_

_And all you need to know is I'm so sorry_

_It's not like me_

_It's maturity that I'm lacking_

_So don't, don't let me go_

_Just let me know that growing up goes slow._

_If all the rules are meant to bend_

_And you swore you were my friend_

_Now I have to start all over again_

I had a friend before I came to Hogwarts, her name was Emily. I found out after first year that she only liked me because I helped her in school. That's all I am good for... I couldn't believe it when Harry and Ron actually wanted to be around me, and I didn't have to act like a puppy dog following them around... At least they need me for something... I know its cheesy, but I think I may love my best friend. As I said, Harry is like my big brother, but Ron, well ever since I saw the dirt on his nose, I knew that there was something about him that really drew me in, and I just haven't been able to stay away. Maybe once I am perfect, he will love me too.

_Cause no ones going to take your place_

_And I'm scared I'll never save _

_All the pieces of the love we made._

_And I'm so sorry, it's not like me_

_It's maturity that I'm lacking_

_So don't, don't let me go_

_Just let me know that I can slip and fall_

_And you won't let me go just to let me know_

_that growing up goes slow._

_And I'm so sorry, Its not like me_

_Its maturity that I'm lacking _

_so don't, don't let me go_

_just let me know that growing up goes slow._

***Ok everyone, please tell me how the chapter was, and REVIEW! I am going to try to update every few days, and I still am going to try to update my other stories :) And the song was called "A Sad Song" by Christina Perri! I really hope you like this story and it will definitely have a twist on how Hermione was shown in the movie. I hope you love the chapter!

xoxo


	2. Birthday Wishes

*****Hey y'all! I do intend to make the chapters longer, and I was SO surprised that in the first six hours of this story even existing, there was 2 reviews! That totally made my day! And if I can't post for a few days, it is probably because I actually had to take notes in one of the classes where I usually just write a fanfic! I guess posting in such a popular section pays off :p So here are responses to the reviews:**

Well here we go, so ladies and gentlemen, here is the next chapter :)

Sitting at my wooden desk, I stared down at the piece of parchment. All I had so far was "Dear Ron,". I had written countless times to Harry and Ginny over the summer, but not once to him... I knew what I wanted to write, that I loved him, that this feeling would never go away, that every time he looks at me with his blue eyes my heart melted a little more, and butterflies flew through my body. But I know that I can never tell him that, I mean if I did, well I would ruin everything. But I always ruin everything... Looking over at my clock, I realized that it was two am. 'Better get to bed' I thought to myself, but before falling asleep I did 100 sit-ups, hoping that this effort would eventually get Ron to notice me.

"Beep, beep, beep!" my annoying alarm clock rang, waking me from my nightmares. Starting my everyday routine, I pulled on workout clothes and my trainers, today, I was to afraid to even look in the mirror, knowing that this would only bring me disapointment. Walking down the stares, I walked down to the island in the kitchen, finding my dad sitting in his usual seat drinking a cup of mint tea.

"Good morning dear! Or should I say happy birthday" he said with a grin.

"Oh my gosh! I forgot it was my birthday..." I said sheepishly.

"Well I promise you won't forget it now! Where are you going?" He questioned.

"Oh, I was just going to take a jog into town," I said, hoping to get out of the house.

"Okay dear! Well have fun, and can you be back by ten?" he asked.

"Yeah dad, I mean it is only eight,"

"Well take as long as you need!" with that, I walked away and towards the door. While running, I began to think about my birthday, which used to be my favorite part of the year. Every year before I leave for Hogwarts, my mum and dad would take me out to dinner, making up for the fact that every year they missed my birthday. Because I thought that this was so special,we would always go to this fancy italian place, where I got dessert before dinner, and then again after dinner. But this year, I knew that I couldn't allow myself to eat all of that... I worked so hard, and even though I couldn't see a difference in how I looked, at least the numbers went down, and with each number down I came closer to perfection.

-Later in my room -

"Hermione! Would you come down here dear? We want to talk to you!" mum called up the stairs.

"Coming mum!" I replied, hurrying down the curved staircase, making sure that I didn't fall down the last few steps. "yes?"

"Darling, we made the reservation for tonight, we are going to your favorite place! Well your mother and I wanted to give you a present, it is of course a birthday gift, I mean you are turning 15 this year, so we wanted to give you something special..." My father started to trail off.

"Really? I mean you all didn't have to get me anything, I mean really..." I said, still glad that they thought of me.

"Sweetie, my mother got this for me when I was your age, so I hope that you like it!" my mother said, pulling out her delicate Tiffany's necklace.

"Oh mum..." I said, shocked. With the necklace in hand I traced that RETURN TO TIFFANY"S letters over with my finger tips, feeling the cold chain.

"Here, let me put it on you." She said. When putting it on, we realized that it was slightly to small. "Oh, well this is a bit tight... Just go on a diet sweetie and you will be able to get it on in a jiffy!"

With that comment, I suddenly became very self conscious. "Okay mum, are we ready to get going? I mean we don't want to be late for our dinner reservation." I said, hoping to change the subject, holding back my hot tears.

"Yes! Let's all get into the car..." dad said.

at the restaurant -

Scanning the menu, I tried to find something that wasn't drenched in sauces or carbs, but this seemed nearly impossible.

"M'am, what would you like?" The tanned waiter asked in his strong Southern accent.

"Um, I will have the caesar salad, but with dressing on the side?" I said, almost as if it was a question.

"Okay, I will get those right out for y'all!" He said, scurrying off to th other tables that he had to attend to.

"Hermione, no dessert before dinner?" mum questioned.

"Mum, I, I realized that doing that was to child-like." I said, hoping that this excuse would go well.

"Well I'm glad my little girl is growing up," my dad said with a grin. My mum grabbed another breadstick, and the smell was wafting through the air. My stomach was doing somersaults just at the smell, and my mouth began to water. 'Just one bite,' my mind seemed to beg. 'NO! You don't need those carbs, I mean you aren't thin enough, even your parents are embaressed to be eating around you' another voce yelled.

"Sweetie, aren't you going to have some bread?" mum asked politly.

"No thank-you mum!' I said, just wanting this night to be over.

"Hermione!" dad whisper shouted.

"What?" I said.

"The breadstick - it, it was in the air!" He said.

"Sorry dad, that, that hasn't happened since before I left..."

"Hermione, seriously? I mean we are in public, lets just eat our food, have your cake and then pay our check like a normal family, okay?" He rebuked in a harsh tone.

"Okay, sorry..." The rest of the night we barely said a word to each other. I took only 6 small bites of the salad, I mean I just couldn't force myself to eat anymore than that.

"M'am, are you done?" the waiter asked as my father finished shoveling food into his mouth.

"Um, yes, thank you..." my voice trailed off.

"Sir, could you please bring out the cake?" mum asked, knowing that the surprise was already spoiled. I sat there awkwardly like a small child, just sitting on my hands. The waiters came around the table and sang happy birthday, and their off-pitch tones filling my ears, all I could do was stare at the cheesecake with a flaming candle puncturing the whipped topping. I hoped that it would just disappear. Looking up, I realized tat everyone was just waiting for me to blow out the candle. Taking a deep breathe, I wished the same wish that I had begged for last year - to be perfect

*****Hey y'all! I hope that you like the chapter and please review and tell me how the story is going! I really appreciate all of the reviews and the favorites! It really lights up my day! So here are some responses to the reviews I got:**

**The last time: thank you so much! I think the story is going to be really realistic, because I lived all of this, so I am more applying my emotions to a character - and I am glad that you really like the story!**

**Again thanks for reading!**


	3. Finding a Friend

I can't take being here anymore. The mildew-y scent in the basement, to the sour taste of the green tea, it just seemed that everything ws starting to annoy me. I packed up for school three weeks ago, I was so happy to leave, this morning I woke up at 3 am

"Mum! Can we go now? I don't want to miss the train!" I called down, getting annoyed. All I could think about the last few days was getting to see my friends. Over the last year I had become good friends with some people from other houses, and I couldn't wait to see them, well besides seeing Harry and Ron.

"Fine Hermione, we can leave!" she said. "Is your trunk in the car?"

"Mum, its been there for an hour!"

"Okay! Lets go!" getting in the car, I couldn't wait to get away.

"Are you excited to go back to Hogwarts?" mum asked me, attempting to break the silence.

"I guess…" I said very annoyed.

"Hun, here is some galleons, make sure you get yourself a snack on the train, you are looking rather thin… But I'm sure that Hogwarts will fatten you up, it always does" she said nonchalantly.

"Yes mum… " I said, turning up the radio. THe rest of the ride I was silent, accept for mum ranting about how two dental hygienists quit in the last week. Finally pulling up to King's Cross station, I pulled all of my stuff out of the car and loaded it onto a rolling cart.

"Hermione, do you need me to walk you to the train? Because I do have a meeting in an hour…" mum started, making my decision for me.

"No mum, not at all… I really have to go anyway," with that I turned and walked away, tears forming in my eyes, for I had never felt so unwanted in my life. Pulling myself together, I confidently ran through the familiar brick wall, to see the magnificent Hogwarts train. Even though I was in a terrible mood, the train still took my breath away, with a shiny exterior, smoke floating through the air, and students crowding the platform, waiting to find their seats. Pushing through the witches and wizards, I made my way closer to the other fourth years.

"Hermione!" Harry shouted, wrapping me in a large and warm hug. "Lord, your so tiny! Want me to buy you some Honeydukes?"

"Oh no thanks! Mum made me a feast before I left." I said, lying through my teeth. I've gotten good at lying, and keeping secrets, its almost become like a game, the longer I go, the more I win. Before Harry could say another word, a familiar red head shouted my name.

"Hermione! How are you?" Ron said awkwardly, as always.

"I'm good!" Turning to Ginny, I wrapped my arms around her. "How are you?" I asked, excited to see the younger girl.

"I'm good! How are you, you look, well you look different to say the least." Ginny said, in a motherly tone.

"Well thank you! I did dye my hair and I started to wear some makeup…" I started, but that answer didn't seem satisfy Ginny.

"I mean you seemed to have lost a lot of weight," she stated, looking me up and down.

"No I haven't!" I said with a smile, and shocked that someone actually noticed. "I am going to grab a seat on the train…" I said, going to sit alone in one of the cabins. After becoming comfortable in my seat I pulled out my diary, disguised as a History of Hogwarts book. Flipping through the pages, I began to read what I had written, realizing that I wasn't trying hard enough. Picking up my ballpoint pen (which was an unsightly thing at Hogwarts) I titled a new page "The Hogwarts Plan:

1. No eating after 7 o'clock

2. No dessert or sauces

3. 2 hours of exercise per day

4. only 300 calories per day"

Satisfied with my new plan, I pulled out my muggle iPod that I bought over the summer. With my headphones in my ears, I blasted music.

_Just a little bit stronger_

_Just a little bit wiser_

_Just a little less needy_

_And maybe i'd get there_

_Just a little bit pretty_

_Just a little more aware_

_Just a little bit thinner_

_And maybe i'd get there_

_Clearly, clearly i remember_

_Hiking up my skirt _

_And asking for your time_

_Clearly, clearly i remember_

_Nervous if ever confronted_

_And questioning myself_

_Oh perhaps, perhaps if i got better_

_Perhaps if i challenged myself_

_Perhaps if i was..._

_Just a little bit stronger_

_Just a little bit wiser_

_Just a little less needy_

_And maybe i'd get there_

_Just a little bit pretty_

_Just a little more aware_

_Just a little bit thinner_

_And maybe i'd get there_

_Clearly, clearly i remember_

_Pulling up my shirt_

_And staring blank ahead_

_Clearly, clearly i remember_

_Days of useless crying_

_And almost feeling dead_

_Oh perhaps, perhaps if i was smaller_

_Perhaps i could control myself_

_Perhaps if i was..._

_Just a little bit stronger_

_Just a little bit wiser_

_Just a little less needy_

_And maybe i'd get there_

_Just a little bit pretty_

_Just a little more aware_

_Just a little bit thinner_

_And maybe i'd get there_

_Just a little bit stronger_

_Just a little bit wiser_

_Just a little less needy_

_And maybe i'd get there_

_Just a little bit pretty_

_Just a little more aware_

_Just a little bit thinner_

_And maybe i'd get there_

_Just a little bit pretty_

_Just a little more aware_

_Just a little bit thinner_

_And maybe i'd get there_

The cabin door slammed shut, jolting me awake.

"Pansy?" I questioned, shocked that the gorgeous slytherin girl looked so shocked. She turned around quickly, shocked that anyone was in here. Looking at her face, I saw her dark makeup running down her face. "Are you okay?"

'I'm… I'm….." she tried to get the words out between her sobs. She sat down next to me, trying to catch her breath and calm herself down.

"You, you do it to?" she said, almost as if it was a question.

"I do what?" I asked, fear stricken. She pointed down to my open notebook.

"Um, you didn't see anything…" I said, pulling myself up, ready to escape my possible outing.

"No, don't worry, I won't tell. I do it to." She said.

"What?" the perfect Pansy Parkinson, dating Draco Malfoy, does this?

"I've been in and out of St. Mungo's for two years… You haven't been at this that long, have you?" She asked, cocking her head to the side.

"I, well it started this summer…" I poured my heart out, telling the girl that was support to be my arch nemesis everything.

"Draco, well he has started to catch on to my 'games' as he calls them. Th-thats why I was crying, he tried to make me eat a piece of his grandmothers fudge! I mean its like he is trying to make me fat!" For the rest of the train ride we went on like this, sharing secrets and tips, laughing about how disgusting most of the girls here are, especially the Hufflepuff's. WIth that, we became best friends, but our other friends wouldn't be to happy about this, would they?

*****Hey guys! I am sorry about not updating for a few weeks, I had to go visit some old grandparents and then homecoming is tomorrow night Also I had my birthday which was super fun:) I also have started to relapse into my ED, so I am working on that right now. Again I am super sorry that I haven't updated in a while, but I hope that my upcoming chapters will make up for it!**

**Lots of Love!**


End file.
